Happy Halloween and an Awesome Cover Reveal

I'm breaking the silence on my blog over the past many many months to bring you an amazing cover from an even more amazing friend, author, and all around good person. Here is the cover for 10 Tales of Steampunk Silliness and Spookery by Emily White.

In the cozy seaside village of Steamville, New Hampshire, an unfaithful zombie, out of control werebots, succubi in corsets, and more wreak havoc in this short story collection.

Look for it on December 22, 2012 with all major online retailers ($.99 for ebook/$2.99 for print)

Seriously, go check Emily and her stuff out. She is supportive, kind, and friendly to everyone she interacts with. I met her through blogging and I am glad to count her as one of my writerly friends. It helps that this collection looks to be hilarious.

Visit the Goodreads Page for the collection.

Find her on Facebook.

Visit her Blog.

Well worth getting to know her and her writing better. Now go, go my pretties!

FREE Ebooks for You and You!

My books are, once again, free in their wonderful digital format on amazon. Please feel free to go pick one or two up, share them, gift them, borrow them, or ignore them. All good with me.

The Crystal Bridge

Zombies at the Door

My Author Page

The Trick to Quitting Soda

I've gone two months now without drinking soda. I've lost about 16 pounds and I feel great, but the journey has not been without difficulty. I love Dr. Pepper, LOVE it! I also like the occasional Coke or ginger ale. Before I quit, I was drinking at least a gallon of soda a day. I drink mainly water now, with some milk and a glass of healthy green juice now and again. I used to think water tasted disgusting. I'm learning to enjoy it.

I still crave soda though, especially when I go out to eat, drive up to a gas station, see someone else drink one, or walk the aisles of a grocery store...so most of the time.

The trick to resist these cravings is to focus on the times soda has let you down. Here are my soda let-downs:

Withdrawals. I don't get headaches when I quit. I feel like tiny metallic insects are eating every bit of calcium in my body.

Heart Palpitations. For a while, every time I tried to lie down to sleep, my heart would go crazy.

I didn't like it. I'm glad this occurrence is super rare lately.

Fattness. About a year ago, I gained enough weight and could no longer put on my wedding ring.

Nastiness. This is the best way to alleviate my cravings. All I have to do is think back to this incident and my desire to drink one goes away.

A couple years ago I used to stop by a fast food place nearly every morning to buy a sandwich and a soda. I know, horrible for me. No wonder I had heart palpitations and high cholesterol.

One day I sipped my soda and thought it tasted a tab bit funny. I just thought their syrup mixture must have been off. I sipped it again and noticed that the ice against the lid looked weird too. I pulled off the top and the ice did look funny, all clumped together in one big ball.

I reached in to grab a piece, but the whole thing came out, dripping soda and chunks of ice. I stared at the mess in my hands as realization dawned on me and I fought an urge to puke.

I had a large crumpled plastic bag in my hand. Who knows how it got in there or what it had in it before it made its way into the ice. Needless to say, I dumped the whole thing. Now, all I have to do is think about that bag and imagine the places it might have been or contents it might have had to make saying no to soda easier.

Find your ways to resist and quit today.

Free Books are the Best

My novel, The Crystal Bridge, is free today and tomorrow on kindle. That's February 15th and 16th.

Go get it and tell your friends. Short and sweet. That is all today.

Avoid Writer's Block

What is writer's block? Traditionally it's seen as when a writer is unable to produce new work. They stare at a blank screen and nothing happens. It's like a brick wall in the way of one's ability to write.

I don't get writer's block, not in this sense. I'm not bragging. I have plenty of other imperfections in my writing, but I understand what writer's block really is and I avoid it. If only I could do the same with typos, awkward similes, and using the word "little" ironically way too much. I'll learn to avoid those someday.

Here are the reasons I see writers get themselves blocked up and unable to write.

Lack of Passion. Sometimes a writer will start a project that just doesn't appeal to them. This makes it easy to lose focus and your desire to continue with it.

Something is Wrong. If your subconscious knows that something you wrote or are about to write doesn't work, it will shut you down. This can be any number of things. You wrote about a character doing something outside his or her abilities or personality. You may have decided to change a plot line and it destroyed previous lines altogether. You may have written a scene that has no place in the finished book. You are planning to write a scene that doesn't play well with the ones around it. There are so many things to get wrong.

No Idea What Comes Next. Yeah, we've all started something that seemed wondrous and exciting and then our imagination runs out and we feel stuck, unsure what to do next.

Distractions. Facebook, internet, google+, twitter, and all those other things can be great tools. They also can get in the way. Then there's friends, family, jobs, screaming children, dogs, cats, that dripping noise that is driving you crazy, dishes, laundry, food, and so much more to distract you from writing.

Now, here's how I deal with them.

Write What You Love! If something isn't really clicking with you deep down, if you don't care about it, what do you think your readers will do? That's right, they'll feel the lack of passion and lack of soul and set it down unhappy and unsatisfied. Make sure you love your project and you won't find yourself losing a desire to finish it.

Listen to Your Subconscious! If something isn't working, figure out what it is and fix it. I have also found a way to cheat around this type of block. If I come to a scene that just doesn't work and I feel stuck, I skip it. I jump to a scene that is working and write that one. You can always come back to the older scene and mess with it later after inspiration has struck.

Do Your Prewriting! Before I started my first book, I rolled it around in my head for months. I ran conversations and scenes through until I knew what needed to be done. Most of my prewriting is done in bed. I stare at the ceiling, waiting to fall asleep at night, and I think through upcoming scenes. Sometimes something will happen in my brain, puzzle pieces snapping together perfectly, and I have to jump out of bed and write for a couple hours before I lose whatever magic just happened.

Sometimes nothing happens and I fall asleep, but I often wake up hours later with a similar snapping together of ideas and can jump out of bed and go write. I do prewriting in the morning too. I stay in bed for half an hour after I wake up, running my mind through writing drills, preparing for my next scene, or just getting myself psyched to write a conversation that needs to happen.

Prewriting and skipping scenes will also help when you don't know what to write and inspiration fails you. Staring up at the ceiling while imagining your world and characters on that blank canvas will open portals in your mind to cool new places and experiences you thought you could never dream up. Don't let anyone get after you for being lazy, looking dazed, or doing nothing. It is a vital part of writing and loosens up your subconscious. You need your subconscious to fill in those blank pages and missing plot points. You need it active and healthy.

Limit Your Distractions! Lock yourself in a closet with your laptop if you have to. Shut off the router so you can't access the internet. Those social networks can wait a couple hours for you, I promise you won't miss as much as you think. Find the type of music that helps you write. Find the time that you write best. I write best late at night of early in the morning, when my subconscious is most active and wants to be dreaming. Tell your friends and family when your writing time is and that they cannot disturb you for anything short of an apocalyptic emergency. Zombies better be massing in the streets!

Sit Your Butt Down, Put Your Hands on the Keyboard, and Write! I have these moments where the words flow from me like warm honey and crystallize on the screen in perfect patterns that need no revision. I'll reread them months later and tears will form in my eyes as that amazing I'm-a-freaking-writer-feeling fills me once more.

THESE MOMENTS ARE RARE AND FLEETING!! Most of the time, I sit down and write half decent garbage that will need months of revisions, therapy, exercise, cuts, and voice lessons before it will be even half of what I want it to be. That is normal. Don't get in your own way. Don't trash your work or lose hope. Don't go back and try to fix everything. Don't get discouraged and sad. Allow yourself to suck and your writing will prosper and grow. Those golden moments when the writing flows wondrously from your fingertips will come more often, though not as often as you would like.

New Tabs are Exciting

Dear Peoples of the Bloggety Blog World,

This is just a quick update to let my followers know that I added a new Works In Progress tab so people can keep up to date with my writing. I'll keep up with the word count there and I'll set release dates as I get closer to finishing them. I'll also use this tab to share excerpts now and again. I have one up now. I hope this is something you're all interested in. If not, feel free to ignore it. Thank you for being awesome readers, followers, and friends.

Charlie

How to Self Publish Part 2: Revision

Part 1, Part 2

Revision is a crucial step in self publishing. Do not assume that your work is perfect. It isn't.

I revised the crap out my novel, but I didn't do as much as I should have.

I recommend AT LEAST EIGHT revision passes, probably more would be better. Each time you will look for errors, typos, and mistakes, cut out things that aren't working, add in better descriptions, remove passive voice and overuse of adverbs, and slash any cliches you find.

You need to revise until you don't want to read another word, until you are sick of your novel, hate it, want it dead. Your eyes will bleed with hours of staring at the computer screen or pages you printed out to mark up.

Are you done at this point? NO!!

Then you need to give it to someone you trust, someone who will be somewhat brutal with you and have them go through it a couple times. This also gives you a break from the manuscript so you can come back to it a few weeks later and go through it several more times.

You will reach a point where you want to take your book out back and set it on fire and then dance on the ashes, screaming at the gray sky in despair and agony. That is when you are close to done.

You should set it aside and wait a few more weeks before doing one final revision to the entire book.

Your next step? Make sure you have a thick skin because people are still going to find typos and mistakes. They will seize these typos like some hard won prize and then shove them in your face.

Why do people do this? I don't know.

Maybe people's expectations are skewed when it comes to books. They expect perfection, demand it, more than it seems any other industry.

I had a podcast review after I had fixed many typos that readers had found and I thought the book was close to perfect. The reviewers talked about how they loved the rich world I'd created, complete with mythology and back histories. They loved that every character felt unique and different as I hopped in and out of a dozen character's heads. They loved the story. Then they had to mention that it had an "unusually high amount of homophone mistakes." They went on to list them, totalling two. TWO!!

My jaw fell open as I listened. Seriously? Two?

All around it was a great review, but I wish they would have emailed me about the two typos they found rather than dump them on the public as some black stain I can never get rid of.

In any other industry with that kind of mistake average, I'd be freaking Employee of the Month!

So, the point of all this ranting is REVISIONS ARE IMPORTANT. Do them, do them until you bleed! You will thank me.

How to Self Publish Part 1: Writing

Part 1, Part 2

I'm not going to go into depth on how to write a novel. There are thousands of guides, manuals, books, seminars, software, and trained lemurs out there that can offer you advice on this. I don't think I can do more than they have. In fact, I think less is better.

The problem with telling someone how to write is that everyone writes differently. Some people need a rigid structure with spreadsheets, timelines, and charts. Some would rather just write, surrounded with noise and discarded soda bottles. Some create elaborate webs of yarn that string each idea and character together.

I fall somewhere in the middle of these.

I like to start out writing from the chaos in my head, with little planning. Then, as the novel grows, I have to map it out more and I create an outline. Then I allow my mind to wander, playing with the scaffolding I've made, tinkering it into new shapes. I'll rewrite my outline six or seven times as I continue writing. My characters grow, change, develop, and pop in and out of existence.

I can't tell you how to write, because you may not be able to write this way. But, I still have some universal things I can share, no matter how you write.

1. Find out how you write.

Develop what works best for you. Play with a few different writing styles and locations until you find what works for you. Listen to music. Don't listen to music. Try writing in a quiet room, sealed off from the world, in a library where you can people watch, in a cafe, in the great outdoors. Try making an outline, going without one, making a chart, or any other idea that comes to you. Then, apply what works.

2. Put your butt in a chair and write.

Novels aren't easy. You can't take that wonderful kernel of an idea that you have rolling around your head and turn into a novel overnight. Sorry. This is going to be a long gruelling process. It will be painful at times. You will shed tears over the keyboard as characters die, don't work, and take paths you didn't expect. You will have days where you won't want to write. Do it anyway.

Sit down and write. Nothing gets the words flowing better than writing. Yes, the first few paragraphs may be garbage, but then you warm up and things click together. DO NOT allow discouragement to keep you from writing, EVER! It is a writer's darkest enemy. Ignore it and write. Stick to a schedule where you write every day. Roll the scene you plan to write around in your brain until you are excited to write it. Don't let anything keep you from writing.

3. Allow yourself to suck.

I didn't use the first ten to twelve pages of my novel in the finished product. I also cut another twenty some odd pages from the overall book. There is nothing wrong with this. You can't expect everything to flow as golden drops of awesomeness onto the page every time you sit down. It isn't realistic.

You also can't let yourself edit every sentence or paragraph you just wrote until it is perfect. This will lead to frustration and discouragement as you see very little progress made on your word-count. Ignore that voice in your head that says you need to fix what you just wrote.

You can do that later. Keep writing and allow yourself to write things you are unhappy with. It is the only way you will make it through without pulling your hair out.

That's my advice. The next part will deal with revisions and should be fun. You can go ahead and bookmark this page. I'll add a link to each part as I write them at the top so you can easily flip through the entire series on self publishing.

The Beginning of Everything Once Again

I'm not a fan of resolutions. They are weak, flabby, pathetic creatures that do little to improve my year. They have failed me many many times now. I no longer make them.

I make goals. I write them down on paper and put them somewhere to needle me when I am tempted to give up. On the bedroom door, in the corner of the mirror, in a notebook, on my blog. I also make a plan of action, smaller goals that can be met one at a time until the overall goal is done.

Goals with plans are strong enough to push me to be better.

I fulfilled 2 out of 3 of last year's goals.

One of those was to finish my book. Not only did I finish my book, but I finished the little zombie guide too and published them both.

Another was to start a refinishing business. I did. It faltered and failed, but the experience was worthwhile and I do not regret it in the least.

The third was to get back in shape. I did not succeed, but I did manage to loose some weight and bring my cholesterol down from holy-crap-your-heart-may-explode to a much healthier slightly-high-but-okay.

So, what are my goals this year?

1- Finish writing book two, publish it, and begin another book.
        
The Plan: Write for at least one hour every night during the week. I've told my wife she needs to pretend I'm not home for that hour or more if I'm on a roll. I'll also be trying out some techniques for keeping myself excited to sit down and hammer out scenes that should help improve my writing as well.

2- Get in shape for real this time.

The Plan: Quit soda, cook at home, and do something active three times a week. We went on an eleven mile hike the other day and nearly died. That will change. We'll start with a juice fast for a couple days to clean all the junk out and go from there. I've already thrown out all the leftover Christmas candy and today I'll clean out the fridge.

That's it. I'm not adding a third this time, since I only succeeded with two last year. Wish me luck and I will do the same for all your new goals, plans, and resolutions.

Also, as a present to my readers and the world, I'm going to write a blog series on How to Self Publish that walks through the formatting process. I hope people are interested.

Review: Hunting the Five by Maria Violante

Maria Violante recently did a review for my novel and I am returning the favor on her short novella, Hunting the Five. It's a piece of a larger work and I'm excited to read the rest soon.

Maria's world building is exciting and engrossing. She creates characters I want to continue watching. The magic system is also very very cool. I spend a lot of time thinking about magic systems. I used two in my last book and I have a new one lined up for a fantasy series I'll be writing late next year. I should know when someone comes up with a golden magic system. Maria uses a dual magic system where each demon possesses minor powers, akras, along with one kernel of true power, their kevra.

De La Roca (as she calls herself) once was human and wound up in Hell. After an indefinite amount of time being tortured, she is offered a chance at freedom...with some catches. She must relinquish her memories, her name, her kevra, and become a sort of demon bounty hunter. She calls herself a mercenary, but that's not quite what she is. She and her horse, Alsvior, track and kill the nasties that shouldn't have ever found their way to Earth.

When Maria gets into De La Roca's head, it is compelling and well written stuff. I want to discover the secrets and get to know this character more and more. She does some dark and twisted stuff, sitting on the body of someone she killed as she smokes a cigarette, but then you get a back-story at the same time of her trying desperately to save a victim of one of the demons.

Alsvior is my favorite. He's loyal, clever, and able to change his shape to some degree, looking like any type of horse of any color. Who hasn't wanted a charcoal colored horse with flaming mane and tail?

She has some stunning descriptions. There's some dimensional travel, of which I'm a big fan, and she does some pretty imagery with it.

Maria's work isn't without flaws. She has some awkward sentences that I had to read over several times to understand her meaning. She doesn't use contractions as often as she should, especially in dialogue where people naturally use them without thinking. She also has some sudden jumps that I found annoying while reading. For the most part, she separates scene breaks with a little symbol, but now and again they show up from one paragraph to the next. It was distracting and disorienting. It also muddies up the plot, making the motivations of the other characters unclear when they shouldn't be.

She has some typos. Not a big deal. I can read over them easily and my own book still has several. Just things like "then" in place of "than", a missing "to" where one should be, a dangling "to" in another sentence where it should not be, "I" when it should be "It", and "her to knees" where it should have been "to her knees". Seriously, minimal problems.

The beginning feels out of line with the rest of the story though. I think it would have drawn me in more if Maria had dropped the first ten pages or so, but at least the first two. The character introduced there, Rico, doesn't seem to be important, doesn't show up again, and I dislike him. Not the best first impression of the story as Rico spouts clichéd sexist nonsense.

The story also uses profanity. I'm not the biggest fan of it, but I can ignore it most of the time when I read. I think sometimes it has a place, but it must be done well. Maria likes to use it in the same way, no matter what character is talking. Every single character uses "damn" the same exact way. People use profanity differently. I would have liked to see what kind of profanity some of the characters who are possibly thousands of years or more old might use...not just the same "damn".

All in all, a great read. I look forward to seeing what trouble De La Roca and Alsvior can get into as she explores this world of demonic magics and finds her way back to humanity...or not. It will also be a pleasure seeing Maria's natural talent develop and grow as she brings these things to vibrant life for us.

I'm a Visual Person!

I'm a huge technophile. I love new gadgets and scientific breakthroughs. I love knowing how things work.

Yesterday, I did a phone interview via skype for a book podcast. Let's talk about the technology behind that for a second.

A tiny magnet connected to vibration sensitive membrane takes my voice and converts it into an electric signal. This signal travels down cat5 cables to my modem. There it is converted into another electric signal and sent down metal cables for miles. Then it's converted into light and sent through hundreds of miles of glass threads. My voice then gets converted back into electric signals and makes its way to the other computer where another magnet, connected to a cone and another membrane, spits out my voice as sound once more...only slightly more nasal and weird.

If one of us uses satellite for our internet provider, then in the middle of that my voice is converted into invisible waves that travel into space. SPACE! My voice is an astronaut for a fraction of a second. How cool is this technology?

Despite how cool I think it is...it does not agree with me and my visual brain.

A while back I met with a book club at a high school. I was super nervous and even more sweaty, but I managed to talk intelligibly for almost an hour about my book, publishing, and writing. But, stick me in a room by myself and have me talk to my computer like it's a person and I devolve into a stuttering idiot.

At the book club:

On Skype:

I have the same problem with other audible technology. I am horrible on the phone and I apologize to anyone who has had to talk to me on the phone. My brain doesn't think the conversation is real and I end up sounding disinterested, clipped, and awkward. If something more real is going on, like driving, tv, or another live person in front of me, I'm even worse.

I avoid drive thrus for this reason too. They frustrate me. I want to look people in the eye and order my food or deposit my check. There is something lost when they can't see me either.

Inside, a cashier can see the look of bewilderment in my face as I contemplate the menu and give me more time to think.

Outside, I am berated.

Where would I have gone?

Inside, I can be clear and see understanding in the cashier's eyes.

Outside, I am yelling at some electronic billboard that has someone elses' order on it.

And I end up with onions, fries, a diet soda I didn't want, and a vanilla shake.

Luckily, when it comes to the interview, they are letting me rerecord it today. Here's hoping I can manage not to sound like a moron.

Reviews are Friends...Not Posts

I know pointing you to reviews of my books by other bloggety types is not a substitute for my own clever posts. I'm going to keep doing it now and again though.

My good friend and brother-in-law, Brent Wescott, over at Building Castles on the Beach just wrote a review for my book along with several others. He is apparently a slow reader (who knew?), but I'm glad he finally finished, liked the book, and got the surprise ending.

The Crystal Bridge also got reviewed at Word Spelunking. Isn't that the greatest name for a book blog? Strap on your headlamp and explore the beautiful mysteries that are hidden deep within the words. She also has a cool name. Aeicha. I have no idea how to pronounce it, but I have always liked different names. I want to name a child Tadlan or Linea...so there. I also let Aeicha give away a copy of Zombies at the Door, Planning for the Inevitable. She did more than that, she went and reviewed that book too. How awesome is that? I'll tell you how awesome...much!

I should have more reviews to share shortly. I have an interview for a podcast or two this week. I also plan on putting the velociraptor on youtube soon...against all my better judgement. I am also very close to starting book two of the Lost Shards series, the sequel to The Crystal Bridge, called The Glass Spiral. I'm getting excited to write it.

If you've read the first book, go ahead and keep reading. If you haven't...well, shame on you and don't keep reading until you have. Spoilers ahead!!

Book two begins where the last one left off. Here are some questions that will be answered:

Will they ever make it home? I don't know yet.

Will Rho make another appearance? Yes, of course.

Will Rho be the main villain this time? No.

Will Lyle find happiness and true love? Yes and yes, eventually.

Will more people die? Possibly...sorry.

Will we see Aren's and Kaden's powers evolve? Definitely a YES!! So Excited to push them further.

Who will be important? Aren and Kaden will be big as you expect. James will be there in the beginning and Lyle in the end. Dveldor, Hasla, and Taggers will show up for a bit too. But, look for Penny to play a large role along with a couple new god-like characters. I can't tell you any more without giving anything away. Oh, it's gonna be good!

Reviews and Craziness

This will just be a quick post.

I've been spending a large amount of time submitting my novel to book review blogs, hoping that more people will be exposed to my writing and decide to take a look. I've gotten a few people expressing interest, but most have such a huge stack of reading material that they either turn me away or tell me it will be months. I'm fine with the wait. I can be patient and am just happy that more people want to read it.

One person read it in like two days and posted a review. Some bad, but mostly good. I'm happy with having some issues to overcome and work to do. It is my first novel after all. Even the greatest authors have mistakes in their first. Here is a link to the review. And another link to a little interview with her. Thank you all for the support. I am nothing without my readers.

Things I Learned

I had my first public appearance as an author yesterday. I met with a high school book club that is about to read my novel, The Crystal Bridge. I'll be heading back in a month after they finish reading. There were a few surprises. I'll share some of those lessons learned from the experience.

1- I really can talk about my book, writing, and publishing intelligibly for a long time. I was super nervous that no one would have questions and we would just stare at one another. Maybe I'd get out ten or twenty minutes worth of stuff and then look dumb. That wasn't the case. They had questions and I filled most of an hour. I probably could have filled another hour, but they had to go to class.

2- Wearing a sweater is a good idea. I sweat more than any human should when I'm nervous. I changed shirts like four times and looked at a couple jackets before I left my house. I then threw on a sweater at the last minute. It was a great choice. They couldn't see how nervous I was, even if my shirt was sticking to me underneath it all. I looked calm and confident. I don't know what I'll do in the summer.

3- I should remove the bit about a velociraptor impression at the end of my book. Someone flipped to the back and read my About The Author section. She wanted to see the velociraptor. I was super embarrassed, but did it. It involves me loping across the room, screeching like a crazed lizard. I think the kids thought it was fun, but they may also think I'm a crazy person.

4- I like talking about writing. Not only did I find I had the words, I also didn't struggle with them. I didn't say "um" or "uh" or stutter a lot. The only time I stuttered for a bit was right after I did the velociraptor and I was also blushing. Then I warmed back to the subject at hand. I enjoyed discussing the writing process and the words flowed from me rather smoothly. This was a surprise. I haven't done public speaking in a long long time. I expected it to be harder, but I guess passion for the subject helps more than I imagined.

5- Sitting on a desk with your feet on a chair makes you look cool. At least I felt that way. I didn't have to stand awkwardly at the front of a classroom, unsure what to do with my hands. I didn't have to lean on a podium with a big block of wood between me and them. I didn't have to sit at a table on a stage feeling alone and isolated. I got to sit just slightly above everyone and talk to them like they were my friends. I felt awfully cool...I assume I looked the part too...even with the sweater.

Insecurity and Soup

I missed the Insecure Writer's Support Group post last week. Tuesday night my wife turned into a soup sandwich. I spent all night and part of the morning taking care of her. I was too exhausted the next day to do much of anything. I think we laid on the couch and watched a lot of tv.

My wife is feeling much better now, not so soupy. So, I'm moving on with the support post.

Despite not posting anything, there's still plenty of insecurity and support surrounding me and my writing. I've sold five copies of my book this month. Painful. I knew it would slow down before the holidays, but I wasn't expecting this. I hope that things pick up with all those new tablets and ereaders people will get in December.

I've submitted my novel to over thirty book review blogs this week. Many of these will choose not to read my book. Many will not get around to it for months. I'm okay with both of these. I know I don't have unlimited time. Neither do these kind folks out there who love to read and share what they like. I'm going to be patient. It gives these blogs more time to add followers and for readers to get used to their shiny new tablets anyway.

Being self published means I don't have to rush to sell all my copies in print so the publisher will print again. I can wait and let my audience grow bit by bit. I can fix typos. I can work on my next book. I'm thankful for my friends on here who have been crazy supportive. You are amazing human beings and I am humbled to know you, even if in just some weird digital sense of the word.

Happy Day of Scares

I decided I should do a Halloween post. Don't worry. I won't be sharing any of my ghost stories. I don't share those. They tend to freak everyone out, including myself. They're real. No need to embellish them to make them scarier. They are the type of things any ghost hunter would love to stumble upon. Every time I tell them, things go badly, like the camping trip I ruined.

So, I'll share a funny story instead.

Since I've experienced real situations that make me shudder to recall them, nothing much else manages to scare me. I laugh through horror movies. I argue with zombie shows that get everything wrong. I giggle through haunted houses and smile sweetly as the poor staff attempt to frighten me and fail over and over.

I love haunted houses though. Someday, I would like to run one. I helped out with one when I was twelve. I was in the dungeon room. It was so much fun. I go to haunted houses now for ideas and to see the wonderful sets, props, and makeup.

One Halloween I went with a group of friends to one of the better haunted houses I've seen. As you parked and made your way to the front door, people on stilts in crazy clown and bat costumes followed you, eliciting screams before anyone even paid for the privilege. In line, zombies attacked. The people selling tickets wore horrifying costumes.

My friends pushed me ahead and I led them into the dark. I easily spot the sliding trap doors, the peepholes, the boo spots. After a few ghouls tried to scare me, they got the idea to focus on my friends. I helped them. Whenever I saw an upcoming peephole, I'd make eye contact, point at someone behind me, and smile. The staff was wonderful and caught on instantly. It made for a fun night.

At the end of the house they had an optional mirror maze. We decided to do it. My friends once again pushed me ahead.

Them: "You're good at these types of things. You lead."

Me: "Okay. Fine with me."

I like puzzles. I spend a few seconds figuring out how to guide them through. We didn't bump into a single mirror or glass wall. I also managed to avoid the dead ends where people were hiding, waiting to jump out. Literally less than two minutes later we stepped out into fresh air. My friends had the gall to be upset with me.

Them: "You made it too easy."

Me: "You didn't have to follow me."

Them: "Of course we did. You know what you're doing."

Me: "I suppose you all could go explain the situation and see if they'll let you go again."

None of them wanted to. I was glad. I really didn't want to wait around for them for the half hour it would take to go through themselves.

But, the real story here is this, this haunted house managed to scare me a little. In the middle of the house part, before the end and the maze, we came to a dirt road flanked by cornfields. This was all indoors. I was amazed at the sets. We walked down the road and came to an old farmhouse.

In front of the farmhouse was a girl. She stood still, staring ahead with a blank expression on her face. She held a hammer in her right hand. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, not a costume, not a lick of makeup. She frightened me.

All the other patrons were flowing past her, unafraid. Some laughing at the lack of imagination. I made a wide arc around her, keeping her in sight the entire time. I then glanced back several times to make sure she hadn't moved.

As we entered the house, a few of my friends made fun of me.

Them: "You aren't afraid of zombies or psycho clowns, you didn't even flinch as people popped out of walls, you laughed at the freaky things outside...and you're afraid of a girl with a hammer?"

Me: "She doesn't look like she works here."

They couldn't argue with that. This is the way I saw it.

I still don't know if she worked there or just wandered in after escaping from an institution or prison. Have a safe and happy Halloween! Avoid girls with hammers.

The Luckiest People

I took all the entries to my contest and ran them through a randomizer that picks winners. I only got to see the boring webpage, but I'm sure it looks like some crazy Dr. Seuss machine on the other side with womboozles and their vemtuzles (spell check must love that man).

The lucky recipients of my books are:

Atypical Scott

and

Ruthykins

Congratulations!! I will try to contact you this weekend or you can email me at raptorbark (at) hotmail (dot) com. I'll need to know if you want print or digital. I'll also need your address if you want print. Thank you all for entering and playing along with my fraggle self.

Reading in the Bathroom

First, a reminder to enter my contest and win my books. Then, on to the story.

When I was thirteen and living in Florida, I was very into books. I'm still into books, but, since Florida sucked more than suckitude, I was extra into books there.

I read in my bedroom. I read in the living room. I read on the bus. I read everywhere.

My favorite place to read was the bathroom. When you have eight siblings, the bathroom is often the only place to go for some true peace and quiet.

On such a day there came a knock on the door. I wasn't actually using the bathroom. I just was annoyed with my family and had escaped to read.

I ignored it.

The knock came again. More insistent.

I answered.

Again the knocking. Louder, more urgent.

I realized I should probably let someone else use the bathroom. The other one might be in use.

At that moment, my sister did something to infuriate my brother who had been knocking on the door. What did she do? I have no idea. I don't really want to know. This is the result.

Fist through the door.

I nearly peed my pants after spending twenty minutes in the bathroom. That would have been hard to explain.