What's that grinding sound? Is that my soul?

I've complained a lot about my job lately. I know its getting old. You are all sick of my whining. Sorry. I need one more little rant and then I think I am good to move on to other matters. I read something the other day that made me think about why I hate my job. Why does it feel like my soul is being crushed? Why do I itch to move on?

I've had jobs that were more demeaning, paid less, and required more labor. I've had bosses I couldn't stand. My current boss is actually quite pleasant. I work fifty or more hours a week, but I held a full time job while taking a full load at school, so it isn't just about the time either. I thought about it quite a bit yesterday and this morning and I have come to a decision.

The real reason I am unhappy with my job is because it does not align with any of my personal ideals. I love to do multiple things. You should have noticed by now that I jump around when it comes to hobbies. I carve, draw, write, paint, refinish furniture, am building a teardrop trailer, and delve into science. I love to learn and create. I love to make abstract things in my head into real tangible objects. I love progress, new cutting edge technologies. I love to see something old and broken become beautiful and useful once more. These things feed my soul and engender joy in the deepest part of who I am.

My career in Hotel Management does not. It ultimately serves little purpose, creates nothing, and does not push any envelope of progression. I have read many blogs lately about great epiphanies where people have successfully quit their jobs to start something new and exciting. They became entrepreneurs, started their own businesses, explored their artistic sides, or just moved on to a better career. I didn't buy it. They fell flat on my internal ears. I'm a creative pragmatist. I haven't had a great life altering epiphany nor am I looking for one. I do not need to reinvent myself. I don't think quitting a job will suddenly bring me all the happiness I could ever want. In truth, I am happy with who I am. I just wish I could be myself more often.

So, I was wrong about the soul crushing. I understand that now. My soul is not being pulped under the weight of my work or ground down by the mind numbing monotony of the piled on hours. I thought a lack of recognition, raises, or promotions added extra pounds to the soul squishing. These descriptions are inaccurate. My soul is not being crushed. Starved is closer to the truth. My job crowds out the things that I love, the things that make me happy at the deepest level. I'm going to try not to complain about my job as much. I will find ways to feed my malnourished soul until I find a job that makes doing so easier.

Unicorn Poop

I remember being lied to as a child. I was told I could be anything, do anything. Work hard and get an education and life will reward you with all your dreams and wishes. I was also promised a flying car. Lies.

Somewhere above us is a dream factory. Unicorns are working hard squeezing out our marshmello dreams. These dreams roll down the rainbow conveyor belts and drop magically down upon us. Somewhere along the line my conveyor belt has slipped. Somewhere up there rainbow belts are falling to the cloud floor, dreams are crashing into one another, fires are igniting, alarms are sounding, and unicorns are running around crazy with hard hats and marmalade extinguishers.

In all honesty, I do believe in education and hard work. I don't believe that all your dreams can come true, but some can. You can't wait for the rainbows to drop them on you though. You have to have a plan.

I had a plan once. Get a degree in English Literature, get a Masters, teach college, get a PhD, write and teach. I got sucked into the hotel industry while I went to school and was perfectly content to do so for a while. Then the plan slipped. Now, I am working 50 to 60 hours a week, my cholesterol is out of control, I never get weekends or holidays off, and my soul hurts. I barely write and I never get to teach. I am looking for the exit. My soul cannot take the crushing much longer.

My dream is to write, draw, carve, paint, design, teach, and refinish furniture. Random, I know, but it could work. I would also like to be fabulously wealthy. Like I said, you can't have all your dreams. I am letting the wealthy thing go...and the flying car, though begrudgingly.

My wife and I have implemented our plan to break me out of the hotel industry. We are dropping to basic cable and will no longer eat out. Sacrifice is painful, but chafes your soul much less than self compromise. This should save us anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 a year. This money will go towards debt and savings. Once we have our credit cards gone and about $7,000 in savings, I am safe to take some risk and jump into making money on my own through my random talents. I have the business license already set up to refinish furniture. I can write and paint all I want once I have the time as long as I actually sell my stuff. This is the plan and we will stick to it this time. No allowing for distracti...ooooohhh...look at that shiny...No! No distractions. We will make these dreams a reality if I have to climb up there and wrestle them from those sticky dream-master's hooves.

What is wrong with me?

Seriously. I bought a trailer a couple days ago. It is a little 4 foot by 8 foot that I got for $125. It really was a great deal even if I had to drive 2 hours to get it...and 2 hours back. It is my latest project. I am going to build a teardrop camper. I am crazy.

Besides the teardrop, I am in the process of writing a novel, refinishing furniture, working more than full time, and fixing up my home. Shelves to build, artwork to paint, electrical to run, furniture to refinish. Too much stuff Charlie. I know. You have got to calm down. Yeah, I know. You are a nut. Yep. Knew that too.

I will post some pictures shortly of my back patio. The benches are done and the fireplace is almost finished. I will build the bed soon and post pics of that too. I will also post some pictures of the trailer. In other words, get ready for some pics people! I am a madman with overly productive ADD. It is who I am.

The Crystal Bridge

My novel is very slowly taking shape, but the process is more painful than I had anticipated. I knew it would be hard work. I mean, if it wasn't everyone would have a novel floating around. Wealthy celebrities wouldn't have to pay people to write books for them. Every wannabe author would have a manuscript under their bed. The market would be flooded with book after book and it would be even more impossible to get published. It is difficult enough to get published, so I guess its a good thing writing is hard work.

My biggest problem is lack of time. I work 50 to 60 hours a week and that eats the biggest piece of my time pie. Television eats a large chunk too. I am picky about what I watch, but I have my favorite shows that I want to see. Most of them fuel my writing. I lean towards the fantastic, the scientific, and the well written. Fringe, Lost, Better Off Ted, Community, Bones, and Glee fill up my DVR. Netflix brings me the joys of Dresden Files, Buffy, Angel, and other long lost series. My wife collects others. Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, Stargate, Firefly, and WonderFalls fill shelves and make their way to the dvd player regularly. I have a hard time cutting them all out. I know. I am weak.

My other problem is that writing uses completely different parts of my brain than my usual day to day living. I have to tap into memory, science, and creativity at the same time. Most of my day is spent dealing with angry guests, filling out spreadsheets, answering phones, and email. It takes time to shift out of that mindset and into the proper frame of mind to write. Time that is already short. This blog helps. Writing is the fastest way I have found to make the switch. You start and your brain begins to lean in the write direction. I can't start right in on my novel though. The shift makes my first couple paragraphs...well...makes them garbage. They don't work. My blog lets me babble for a little while and ya'll don't seem to mind too much if my first paragraph or two are not beautifully crafted. Thank you for that.

Another problem with writing a novel is keeping everything straight. "Keep it simple stupid" has never been my motto. My first attempt at tiling, I took on the entire bath surround using 4 types of tile and putting in two niches. Let's put a giant orange stripe down my living room wall. Let's refinish all the cupboards in my kitchen. Let's rewire all the lights in the kitchen and run speaker and ethernet throughout the house while I crawl around in the attic. I don't go for simple. I do things the way I want to. My novel follows suit. It is going to be large, complex, and follow many characters back and forth between two worlds. It is going to include an interesting take on magic that includes some scientific explanations. It will bridge two genres as it explores genetics, theoretical physics, magic, subatomic particles, dragons, holograms, elves, quantum computing, and dwarves. I have to create a world where these things can exist, making up names as I go. My brain may very well explode soon and you will all cry. I am sure you would.

These are my roadblocks. Like it or not, most of them are my own fault. I chose to go into the hotel business. I chose to watch too much television. I chose to create my debt that chains me to my job. I chose my characters and the worlds they live in. I chose to redesign my home. I chose to write. I choose to keep writing. My story is good, my characters are real and believable, my novel is fricken fantastic. In truth, I don't have much choice. I will write. I have to.

Scars on The Mountain

Saint George, Utah is one of the most beautiful pieces of country you will see anywhere. The city nestles in the valley surrounded by red and black hills with the grey-blue mountains towering over the north, the white and red cliffs of Zion peaking out of the distant east, and rolling hills in every other direction. It is stunning in any season at any time.

What makes me sad is that we have permanently scarred the face of mother nature. I am not talking about normal development. We need homes and businesses. I am not talking about the massive "D" or the painted "Dixie" even though I could go off for a while about how stupid those are as well. I am talking about the deep, blood red gashes in the mountains around us. It bugs me every time I drive home from work. I drive right along the edge of the mesa and it hurts my little heart to see those marks that will never heal.

How greedy and arrogant do you have to be? Do you really need to be higher up than everyone else? I know people will say that it's about the view, but that's a partial truth. It's about looking down on others, feeling superior. It's about pride. It's disgusting, mean, and a violation of the natural beauty.

Fine. You want to be on a hill, build on a hill. Build where there are natural ledges and shelves. Do not cut into the side of the mountain until nothing remains. I might add that the mountain I am talking about is made up almost entirely of sand, sandstone, clay, and ash. It is covered in a thin veneer of volcanic stone. By stripping away the outer layer, we weaken the structure. We are chipping away at the shell of a very large egg. That egg is going to crack and spill down on the homes below. We will one day see landslides as a consequence.

Build where it is practical. I say make your backyard, your family, and your home beautiful so you will always be surrounded by "the view" that matters. You do not have to look down on me to feel good about yourself. Look around at ground level. Look up at the mountains, trees, and sky. Look at the inherent beauty of our world and be content with what you have. Do not waste your wealth and influence in order to destroy and elevate yourself. Please, remember the lessons of Babel.

How to be Clever

I am a moderately intelligent person. Oh, who are we kidding? I'm a freaking genius.

I learn quickly and I know how to apply knowledge. I seek solutions that others don't see. I can learn how to do almost anything by research and experience. I am good at everything I decide to attempt to be good at. I can remember bits and pieces of my life from when I was two. I paint, carve, write, draw, build, design, know computers in and out, tile, refinish, restore, and beautify. You can call me egotistical if you want. I am and I'm not.

The problem is...anyone can do this. I'm not that special when you boil it down. I just do things that naturally exercise your brain. I've always done them and didn't know till recently that they were part of why I learn quickly. I am going to share a few of my tricks with you. I want you all to be geniuses. I think the world would be better off if there were more people who think and are aware.

Trick One: Smell things. The first time I went to the doctor after I learned to speak, I told him that his stethoscope smelled funny. I remember when I was three and my sister spilled kerosene in the basement. I could taste it and I can still picture the high backed wicker chair next to the puddle.

I catch myself sniffing things sometimes. I apparently do it without thought. I sniff my sandwich at the deli before I take a bite. I sniff a brand new pen, blue tooth head set, leather strap of my watch, the herb I just picked from the garden, or a chunk of sandstone I found on the trail.

Your sense of smell is directly tied to your memory. It also forms connections to places. Your brain creates maps constantly. You can visualize your home in detail, but can you smell your home? Your brain creates maps around all your senses. We use sight so much that we forget that our other senses do this too. You have a scent map, a texture map, and a sound map in that melon too. They are interconnected, but we lean on our sight too much. Use all your senses and your brain makes more pathways, more connections, makes you smarter.

Trick Two: Close your eyes. Visualize the world around you without using sight. This forces you to lean on your other senses. Once again, more pathways, more connections, smarter. Many of us do this briefly when we shut off the lights at night and make our way to bed by touch. Try more. Close your eyes in the shower. Work your way through the routine by touch alone. Close your eyes as you unlock your front door. Choose the right key, put it in the lock, turn it, open the door, make your way inside. Close your eyes while you eat breakfast. This reaffirms the neural map in your head and improves your spacial awareness.

When I was a kid I used to lay on my bed and spiral my mind outwards. I would imagine the bed, the bedroom, the trunk in the corner, the dresser, the house, the neighborhood, the state, the county, the world, space, the solar system, the universe. It is good to know where you are. You will find your spatial memory improves. Someone will mention an object and you will picture it in your mind and know exactly where it is, even if you saw it only for a moment days ago. You will also be less likely to run your cart into someone at the grocery store. This will make me very happy. I always get annoyed at everyone's lack of spacial awareness at the grocery store.

Trick Three: Laugh. I'm not sure if there is documented science linking laughter and intelligence, but there should be. My brain just feels better when I laugh...less squishy and mushy. Humorous jokes last longer in your memory. You will always remember the look on someone's face that made you crack up. Laugh more and you will learn more. Look for things to laugh about. Don't mope. I laugh at myself a lot.

Trick Four: Never stop learning. We have this glorious thing called the internet. It is not all goofy cartoons about unicorns, light saber weirdos, and porn. It is a gateway to knowledge. Don't know how to tile...look it up. Don't know why ants walk in lines...look it up. Don't know why space time is curved, why the sky is blue but sunsets are red, how skin heals, how fusion works, why solar panels make electricity, how chocolate is made, why raindrops are shaped that way, how many licks does it take to get to the center...look it freaking up! Never stop. Ever. Learning is a part of the human experience. When we stop learning we die.

That is about it. I could offer more tricks, but most of them you know. Read. Do puzzles. Brush your teeth with your other hand now and again. Mix it up. Have fun. Learn. Grow. Be. I expect you all to be geniuses by tomorrow. Get to work already.

Igor's Girlfriend

My little black book in my pocket doesn't have past girlfriends' numbers. It is full of notes and thoughts, random bits of conversation, an image here, a chunk of nerdy science here. Enjoy my madness...

The snow had frozen into glimmering crystals on each blade of tall grass.

A thin layer of snow had slid off the roof of the car and curled when it touched the hood. It billowed and curved into delicate spirals like the fragile icing on a wedding cake.

Mark the Fish Doctor.

If you pee in the right spot it turns the water into a yellow heart.

Belly button lint is full of magical potential.

Desert of a Thousand Fingerprints. Lines that were drawn in the sand have long ago turned to stone.

You know the girl. Built like me. I bet she could charge up Igor...